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Waffle-Dude

I, a male, was expecting to see actual secrets. Now Im just glad to know that you never grow out of this


XehanortWasRight

That's our secret, Cap'n. We're always immature.


skm7430

Bunch of snitches on this thread


fothermucker33

Yeah, truly disgusting behavior. I’ve reported all of them to the council. We’ll see what happens.


thiha9ng

shh dont tell them about the council


Ethanjohnson3_1415

Have you reported him to *them*?


metallaholic

We keep a spare quarter taped to the backside of our nut sack just in case.


Ivan_The_Turd

just incase we need to make an impromptu trip to Aldi


BizzareHuman

Aldi's nuts Edit: thank for award


Augie777

Moon’s haunted


NeedleworkerLanky591

You’re not supposed to share actual secrets.


BashiG

Augie really fucking dropped the ball this time


lordpoee

All in favor of revoking Augie's man card say aye!


BashiG

AYE CAPTAIN, he's a scallywag and a coward to say the least


L3XANDR0

ARGGHH, AYE!


Bronan01

*grabs gun and loads it while getting back on spaceship* Moons haunted


controldekinai

Ready up guardian


FakeBedLinen

Come along little light


zoda_flea

Wouldn’t you like to know weather boy


spaceiscoooool

where are your parents?


chungus_car

kid's sketchy


Tugguzz

Back to you guys


Nic9650

You got to look out for feral children this time of the year


DesignerRead2198

Yeah that was uncalled for, you’re supposed to respect your elders


FuckYourCommentBruh

Somebody writes for buzzfeed


Rxton

I have my money on bored panda. Anyone can write for bored panda if they are stupid enough.


ShuuTsukTrash

are they hiring? i have an IQ of at least 12


Im2bored17

I'm sorry, you need 11 or lower. Better try again next year. Good luck!


ZenithingTheorist

I can't wait to see a buzzfeed article that quotes your reply as an actual argument


Hashtagworried

In addition to peeing standing up, we also poop standing up. Edit: for those trying to say, “and we wipe by […]” the real men spread their ass cheeks with their hands and pinch a loaf leaving no trace nor trail behind. Do with that information however you see fit.


PM_ME_MAMMARY_GLANDS

We do? Damn this whole time I’ve been pooping while in a handstand.


MrGlayden

well yeah its a handSTAND not a handsit


halfmeasures611

nice try lady


GreatDrivesGaming

Bros before hoes amiright?


Cellyst

Nice try, other lady.


VegemiteSandwich33

Hehe, balls


PaulMcPaulersn7

Very close! Almost had us fooled that time. There is however, no comma between hehe and balls. You gotta say it really fast. But also… Hehe balls


ZenithingTheorist

All of these tricksters bro Hoho bells


No_Introduction_2021

Nice trick another lady. Hoe hoe bells


Ledbreader

Nice trick another lady. He he he ha balls


CHEESYGORD1TACRUNCH

How big 6 inches really is


Minaowl

Today my coworker and I were comparing our heights, and even though we're only about three inches apart, our coworker was insisting that I was six inches taller than her. I told him that insisting that three inches was actually six was such a guy move, and then everyone was yelling for a while.


Optidalfprime

I can see it. "EYYOO!?" followed by a bunch of people climbing over their desks to get to you


MyFingerYourBum

I get this with other guys and height. I'm 184cm, so almost exactly 6ft. There have been a surprisingly large amount of times when someone has said something like "woah man im 6ft so you must be like 6'2, maybe 6'3??" I just nod along instead of debating it like I made a mistake. Especially if they are with a girlfriend or something lol.


throwawaytrumper

I’m 6’2” (6 1 1/2, really) and I’ve met guys around 5’10” claiming to be 6’2”. If this happens I shrug and say “must have grown I guess”.


ur-moms-bf

nice try, you won’t fool ME into admitting i like to pee sitting down edit: you know ive said a lot of dumb shit in my life i didnt think 4.7 thousand people would be dumb enough to agree with me on anything like that but thank you dudes. ima go take a seat pee now


Scraulsitron-3000

Agreed. However, have you ever done that thing where your seat positioning and lean means equipment is in exactly the right spot to piss between the toilet seat and the toilet and it runs down and soaks your pants without you knowing….. yeah, me neither.


litaniesofhate

I did that once when I was a child. It's literally been a fear ever since, well into adulthood


saigon2010

That has never happened to me regularly at all


ParticularBiscotti66

But it's just so much more comfortable, am I right?


Nordseefische

It is.


VoidDrinker

I’ll shout it from the rooftops- I only stand to pee at urinals.


QuickBen41

We have to get our foreskin trimmed every 2 weeks or it will seal closed and our bladder will burst.


Girlindaytona

Not totally true. My husband said trimming isn’t necessary if he has sex every night. ;-)


QuickBen41

Well shit, I didn't want to tell EVERY secret. Tell your husband he's in trouble at the next Council Of Men. It's on the 28th and he better not be late this time!!!


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Metamorphis

This is why we don't talk about this secret! Don't tell your wives/gfs about it, I know it's about health but there's rules to this stuff.


TivoDelNato

The absolute worst is that awkward moment when you go to a new barber and ask for a rollback. Most of the time it’s courtesy to wait till the second or third visit but sometimes it’s been a long time and you’re in danger of sealing up, so you gotta hit him with it on the first go.


BSODagain

It's not just polite, it's good safety. If you're going to let a man take a pair of scissors to your dick, you better be sure he can cut straight. Trust me, you don't want a foreskin trimming mistake.


Creepy_Body_8807

That sound doesn't mean I'm hungry, it means I have to fart.


mobin_niaz

This is the one. The amount of times my stomachs going off and my girlfriend goes “aw you’re hungry, we should eat” As I nod in agreement whilst putting all my thinking power into not letting it escape


fireballx777

The pro move isn't trying to hold it in -- it's subtly contorting yourself into a position where you can let it out gradually/silently.


Library_IT_guy

"Ok. Ok, just a little bit... breaching the seal... begin venting in 3.. 2.. 1.." "BRRRRRRAAAAP!" "Fuck."


PD216ohio

In 11th grade, every morning for a week straight, at like 10:30 am, American history class, I had that deep growling stomach pain while sitting at my desk. So I would slowly let one of those hot, feel-it-burning-your-asshole farts, out quietly and slowly. And it stunk something terribly. I did an academy-award winning job of looking completing innocent about it too like it wasn't me. But nobody seemed to notice so I thought maybe it wasn't really hitting anyone but me. At the end of the week a girl sitting next to me finally yelled out "who in the fuck keeps shitting themselves every day in this fucking class". I was convincingly just as puzzled and upset as she was.


swagatr0n420

as a woman, same.


TheSmeep

That 99% of these comments are things that men *do* want women to know.


LostSectorLoony

My bank pin


W2ttsy

It’s Bosco isn’t it!


shackledanddrawn44

You’ll always return to your dark master…*the cocoa bean!*


FreezeGoDR

It's hot when you can open up with a girl and she stays in your life.


Thetallerestpaul

Just had that recently. 20 years we've been together and we have been best friends all that time, and shared some tough times for her, but id still always put a brave face on how I was, until start of this year I couldn't cling on anymore and I just cried for two days. Wife is not only still here, we have unlocked another level. I don't want to think I should have done it earlier as my choices in the past made the life I love now, but I'm glad I did now, I'll say that.


gioorge

I just got out of a relationship that started to rot since I’ve told her that I am feeling low after being manly for about 2 years. Even though it sucks some people walk out on you when you need them the most and it sucks that there are a lot of people who have been through this, your comment really made me feel less alone, thank you stranger on Reddit.


ThatOne_Guy_You_Know

Ha, that actually happens. Finally opened up to my gf about some really serious stuff going on in my life, three weeks later, I’m single.


KeebyGotJuice

For me it was 2 days. 2 fucking days. Its hard dating now cuz I refuse to open up about shit. My problems are mine and hers of course are ours. But leave my feelings alone. I don't HAVE to share them.


cookiesarelife22

That your words hurt.


Max_Danage

I don’t remember what yesterday’s Wordle was but I remember Jane saying I was stupid, back in seventh grade.


bluewizard139

Said she couldn’t stand my face…


Weisdog

No you misheard, she said “I can’t stand on your face” she clearly wanted to sit on it.


iam_a_baru

I'm a singer and today after a gig a lady came up to me and said in front me and my friends that she liked my music but I need to lose some weight and then carried on to make a joke about how big I am. I know I'm too big for a singer and I've actually been hitting the gym hard for the past 6 months but it still hurt so much and was really embarassing. The worst part is, as a man, the only justifiable way I feel like I can get this off my chest is by anonymously telling ramdom people on reddit. I'm not chasing for attention here. I'm just agreeing with this point that just because a lot of men don't outwardly express feelings it doesn't mean we don't have any and that words really do hurt.


Basedadamo

Honestly you should have told her that was rude. Just be mature and polite about it.


cback

next time, hit em with "you and me both brother!", if they get offended, they can might see how it feels


Elddan

Spot on


ThatsThatCue

We don’t mind being left home alone.


_Arkod_

Not only we ‘don’t mind’, but sometimes (often) we prefer it.


_Steven_Seagal_

Playing video games and watching movies all day and going to the pub in the evening is a 10/10 day.


cryptoengineer

It's a time of peace.


Malevolent_Mangoes

Having someone run their hands through your hair with your head on their lap is the best fucking thing


_Presence_

Cries bald tears


FunFaithlessness7037

That as soon as you leave the room we fart, so DON’T COME BACK!


ISPY4ever

Please let us play games with the boys. It means a lot to us.


Agreeable-Owl-6269

I know you guys piss the shit stains off the toilet. I have the high ground.


ExplosiveDisassembly

But you'll never experience the thrill of getting to be the one that pees the urinal puck in half.


ThatLousyGamer

Technically, *we have the high ground.*


randomgirl24553158

Once I took a massive shit that wouldn’t flush and my brother managed to break it in half with his piss then flush it. Teamwork


end1

Should have used your poop knife


Torryn_Illien

No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.


bandananaan

Put some pressure on the area behind your balls after peeing. Gets rid of those pesky drops!


WarMachine4654

Instructions unclear, fingering my butthole right now.


MyFingerYourBum

Please don't touch my property


HonourableFox

r/usernamechecksout


Danker_Dankersson

a compliment would literally make our whole month


Total_Ansh

Nice balls bro


FlappyBoobs

That type of comment wont just make your whole month, it'll make your hole weak.


InnocentGuiltyBoy

Touché flappy boobs, touché.


ExcessiveNothing

*Okay honest question here* I love giving people compliments. I give random girls I walk by compliments every single day. I also give compliments to guys I know won’t take it the wrong way. Is there some way to give guys compliments without them thinking that’s an invitation to hit on me? I always try to compliments things people can control about themselves like clothing, peoples personalities, or ideas/conversation already. I just don’t want to put myself in uncomfortable situations. When I give compliments I just say them and keep it pushing, so I’d assume everyone would know I’m just being nice but I just want to be safe.


Fo0ker

No, most of us are so starved of compliments that we can't really tell them apart from flirting (it's kinda the only time when we usually get compliments). Then it'll boil down to one of two: - she's flirting, better hit on her - I don't know if that was flirting or not so I'll pretend it didn't happen but grin about it for a month when no one is looking That is why we're deprived of compliments and why you don't feel comfortable giving them out and it sucks


ExcessiveNothing

My goal is definitely to continue giving out compliments though. I don’t mind dealing with an awkward situation with one creep if I also got to make 10 regular guys happy with compliments. I’m just scared of starting an interaction with the intent to give someone a little something to brighten their day and they end up getting rejected instead, so I did the complete opposite. I’m trying to think of hints to throw in a guy compliment to remind them that it is just a friendly compliment, I guess?


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innovativesolsoh

This is kinda a societal problem like someone below mentioned.. most guys think a compliment is an invitation because they’ve only been complimented by women who were interested in them. Me personally, I prefer compliments from strangers. People who know you are ‘motivated’ to be nice to you.. I still think about the time I went to my favorite local coffee shop and I was dressed nicely for work and the barista stopped in her tracks when she saw me and told me how good I looked. I’m happily married, so there was no interest there but I enjoyed getting a compliment like that, knowing the effort I put into my appearance isn’t wasted. If I can give you any advice, when you find the right person even when you’ve been together for a decade still find ways to compliment their appearance. My secret sadness is while I know my wife loves me and we have a great relationship, I wish she would compliment me sometimes, especially as we get older.


bouncy_cashewnut

you spelled decade wrong


bxmas13

You know when you hear us peeing and it sounds like we are turning it off and on? We are just moving the stream back and forth between full volume(center of water) and mute(porcelain just above water line).


Hoodwink618

Thank you, so much for this! I dated a guy for a few months and every single time he'd go to the bathroom it was this. It's been years since I've seen him and this has still bugged me from time to time! It feels like I just scratched a spot that's been itching for years!! Edit: OH the things I've learned and never wanted to know! Haha thanks, guys!


holytoledo760

I have been able to start and stop my piss stream for as long as I can remember. It is possible he could do that. I heard it means something good regarding sex or health, but cannot remember what.


Tsconspiracy

I find this feels very unpleasant to do. Like it can be done, but I hope I would never have to do it.


Millenniauld

Apparently a lot of women can't either. When I was newly pregnant with my youngest I needed a "full" bladder for the ultrasound, but I drank too much water and absolutely couldn't hold it til my turn. I asked the receptionist if I could just pee a little so I didn't explode and she was shocked that I could only do a partial pee. XD


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tommykiddo

It could also be that the pee is at its end and the guy is simply "pushing out" the last bursts of piss before finally moving onto shaking off the last drops.


anima220

Our balls can tactically retract into our body Edit: come on guys why is it always that comments about balls get so much traction ffs


why0me

That's actually not supposed to happen past a certain age, at least you shouldnt be able to retract them fully into your body My son (who's 8 now) can, and the first time I took him to the doctor and she went to check his boys while he was standing up (he was around 5) they both shot up so fast into his body the doctor audibly laughed then apologized and told us she'd never seen that condition in person and it caught her off guard She then told me that the muscle that allows testicles to descend is supposed to "freeze" after they do, being a one use kind of thing, but that for some reason Sam's didnt and that as he (and they) grow that's theres a chance they can get stuck up there, or torsion could happen so we need to discourage him from doing it on purpose My child happens to be a damn nudist all the time, and the number of times I've had to say "son, put your balls back down" is something they do not prepare you for as a parent


pizzahutbuffet

Take the advice about torsion to heart, that shit is no joke


iloveMrBunny

Wtf. I can't tell if this is trolling lol


TyrantsInSpace

When we [REDACTED] our [REDACTED], we don't always [REDACTED] all of our [REDACTED].


IzMaul

we actually know that you guys.. uhh... poop


Eggmegmuffin

LIES


SuvenPan

we generally put on a brave face and act content even when we are sad and miserable inside.


shiftyfired1056

This is why I'm such a comedian around my friends and classmates. I know that if I'm pissed off or down in the dumps, I can't do anything to cheer myself up, but I can do something to put a smile on somebody else's face. It makes my day seeing people smile because of my jokes.


Ralliman320

You might be surprised (and dismayed) by how many professional comedians developed their trade for exactly this reason.


thefartingmango

We got some sellouts here


Raey42

wilful traitors all


EricLightscythe

have it writ upon thy meagre grave


Tag2graff

There’s only one thing men like to do while lucid dreaming. Well maybe also flying


Snoo77278

Ive lucid dreamt several times. They all involved snow skiing.


_DarkJak_

Mansplaining is short for "Man Explaining"


TheLegendofRebirth

When you tell us you want us to be more open and vulnerable with you, mean it. Nothing hurts worse than being begged to open up, but the moment we do, you panic and shut down and tell us to man up. Men need to have partners who allow them to feel safe and not judged. It makes the world of difference to know we can be vulnerable and don’t always have to be strong.


lmea14

If any partner EVER used the phrase "man up" on me, I doubt they'd still be my partner by the end of that day. Big no no.


dapperdoot

Balls never stop moving. Look at your balls. They slowly move around.


Narachan9

I hate it when i get a random boner for no reason and then try to hide it. Most anxiety that I could ever experience


IceFire909

the awkward day in highschool when you've got it pinned under your belt and the young teacher's assistant bends over...


madcunt2250

I had a friend who had to go on placement to a high school for her teaching degree. I asked her after the first week how many "random boners" she had seen. She said none. I saw her the next week. She was so annoyed with me. She couldn't believe how many she saw after I pointed it out.


loepio

When you start hitting puberty, the tip of your penis falls off and a new one grows wich helps with the growth of the penis


-norwegian_forest-

aaaah, the same we have with clitoris.


karmaredemption

When they ask what we are thinking … it really is nothing 🤷🏼


Fox_Tango_

The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. *Milk carton spills*


_Steven_Seagal_

I'm thinking about things like why in Star Wars the bad guys use red light sabres but green lasers in their space ships, while it's the other way around for the good guys. But when they ask it's easier to just say: 'nothing' or 'thinking about how much I love you.'


dylangt

I heard it’s because the kyber crystals in the lightsabers get corrupted by the dark side so turn red from whatever colour to red. The lasers are based on the quality of the weapon/gasses, green means more expensive so that’s why the empire uses green laser weapons but the rebels use red.


RandomFRIStudent

I rarely have something in my head im actively thinking about. Why is it so hard to believe? Im a spontaneous creature


ParticularBiscotti66

So much this. My wife aleays asks me what I'm thinking. It's either nothing or something so outlandish and stupid that it isn't worth bringing up. Unless of course she wants to talk about the best strategy for surviving a zombie apocalypse.


CitronThief

Basically everyone has thought about the best strategy for surviving a zombie apocalypse though, that's not really outlandish or stupid and lots of people would want to talk about it.


Ivankas_Giraffe_Neck

We’ve all tried to reach.


Tokugawa

Allegedly, it feels more like doing the thing than having the thing done to you.


Burrito_Loyalist

That’s just guys trying to make it sound not good so we stop injuring our spines.


JtotheC23

Eh when I lick my fingers it don’t feel like my finger is getting licked if feels like I’m licking my finger.


TheAnimatedFish

But when you finger your arse, do you feel like you're fingering your arse or arsing your finger?


fothermucker33

Asking the real questions


ExplosiveDisassembly

We've all been told that Marilyn Manson removed his ribs so he could reach even better.


OptimusSublime

I still don't understand how in a time before readily available internet, that *fact* was pervasive on the schoolyard seemingly nationwide.


Ralph682

I'm Australian and it was common knowledge in schools here as well


IlTwiXlI

German and same here


ThrowAwaybcUsuck

I'm from Norway, same here


InfiniteState

A lot of us are really lonely and sad.


Inflames811

Sometimes we are as batshit scared as you, but years of suppressing that emotion help us appear brave in scary moments.


ScrambledNoggin

If you’re scared, but do the thing anyway, that’s real bravery


badlilbadlandabad

'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid? ' 'That is the only time a man can be brave.'


GoGoGanjaArm

We enjoy being little spoon


ladisputah

I looooove being the big spoon


lniko2

I wish I would be any spoon


lappi99

I whish I'd be useful enough for any kitchen utensil...


rockmodenick

Much of the cuddling in my marriage is based on me admitting this openly. Everything about my body position when trying to sleep is just much more comfortable as little spoon. Fortunately my wife is almost 6' tall and makes an awesome big spoon.


Phantommy555

The first time I let a girl be the little spoon she was so excited and I was just like I want to get hugged from behind and not have hair in my face


LonelyandDeranged20

That some of us are insecure as fuck over our physical appearance and we have lots of performance anxiety that we try to hide. We just want to please you, that's why we might be so nervous around you.


Intelligent-Lie-7407

Some of you really are bad at blowjobs and we'll still tell you you're the best.


Odd_Assistance_1613

New insecurity unlocked.


SmartAlec105

Wanting to give blowjobs is the cheat code to automatically be good at blowjobs (unless you’re doing something really wrong like biting the dick)


SureWhyNot-Org

instructions unclear, bit the balls


CautiousRainbow

But if you don't tell us what to improve, that's not going to change :o


debtopramenschultz

We don't know where we want to eat either, but when we say "anything, whatever, or I don't care" we really mean it.


Allmightypikachu

Sometimes when we last longer than normal its cause we waxed the tater before the date. Its actually a compliment I promise


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gentlemen2bed

The key is to be fast the first time, but then the second time, there’s your time to shine.


QuickBen41

That one compliment meant in sincerity will sustain us for days/weeks. This is due to men rarely ever getting them, they're so rare that they really have an impact when we get one. Go ahead ladies, ask a man in your life when the last time he got a compliment was, I bet most of them will have to think about it.


Vacyy

Im 19yo man, recently I was on a call with my 3 friends. The girls were drinking, and I wasn't. I was telling them some stories of mine because we had not an opportunity to talk like this in a while. This call started about 1AM and ended 7AM when we all fall asleep. Around 4AM one of them said "have you realized what time is it? We're already talking with [my name] for 3 hours" and then the girl I have a crush on said "Its because how nice he is and how fun talking with him is". It felt so damn good I think I'm not going to forget about this for years. Anyway, she's never talking about her feelings, she probably said it only because she was drunk. But still, when I'm coming through my low self-esteem problems I remind myself about what she said and I'm getting immediately better.


QuickBen41

Booze might have made her say it out loud, but she thinks it fairly often I bet.


daroons

This. 100%. My biggest regret from your age is letting my low self esteem prevent me from taking risks and going after the things (and people) I truly wanted. Not suggesting you bear your heart and soul to your crush in an uncomfortable manner. But maybe throw some hints and feelers out there and see how she responds! And not let that pesky self esteem cloud your judgement.


UpTheFe

I'm a guy, and I can tell you every detail of each of the 3 compliments I've received in the last 38 years.


Yokohama88

Look at this guy showing off here.


brandnaem

The men who make the biggest show of supporting feminism are the biggest creeps and perverts.


Alwin_

Not too long ago I read on here that a dude and his mates only way to hang out together is that they all call in sick at their jobs and go hang at someone's house. Dude said he once told his wife about his plans for that day and he got called home for some "emergency" which was just her not wanting him to hang out with his friends. I've never been big on the "perfect family" picture and have no desire to start one (though I absolutely love my GF, who gives me loads of space) but the idea of having to lie to your wife in order to see your friends really botheres me. Anyway, I guess that secret should remaind secret!


Aloeplant9

Don’t betray the council brothers


NoseSniffer68

This is just a test of loyalty brethren.


Gold-Tailor-2303

Men can't flex their dicks without clenching their buttholes and vice versa. Edit: because there seem to be a lot of show offs in the comments, let's get one thing straight. Its highly unlikely any male or female has the ability to do one without the other, because both functions, along with several other functions related to your bladder and bowel control, are controlled by your pelvic floor muscles. So any dude saying they can flex just their dick at the front is totally lying because a penis is technically not a flexible muscle and can only be "flexed" using certain pelvic floor muscles Now what could be true, is some people claiming they have specific control of individual pelvic floor muscles. I've already seen some guys say they can partially flex their dick without clenching if they go slowly and focus, but it's hard. I'm sure it's totally possible to gain absolute control over every individual pelvic floor muscles to achieve this, but I'm not about to sit here and publicize to the internet the amount of Kegels I've done to achieve such a feat. There you go redditors, I've done more pelvic research that I ever have in a sex ed class or even my life. Excuse me while I go scrub my brain of all the penis facts I had to ingest for this.


Mikey2bz

I just tried for verification purposes


SlayerOfTheVampyre

I did and I'm a girl. Idk why.


Illustrious_Ask_6637

Did it work as well?


SlayerOfTheVampyre

Yes it was perfect. My mind is blown.


Illustrious_Ask_6637

Would you describe it as an ascension of some sort?


Staehr

Tumescence


PsychMaster1

We all did


GoGoGanjaArm

You probably have a bunch of people sitting around doing kegels


SexandPsychedelics

We are emotional fucks putting up a vail of manliness, strong character and IDGF attitude because society expects that from us In reality we all deal with sadness and dark times in quiet


riggengan

We actually admire other guys but don’t want to say it out loud because people might think we are gay.