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I, a male, was expecting to see actual secrets. Now Im just glad to know that you never grow out of this


That's our secret, Cap'n. We're always immature.


Bunch of snitches on this thread


Yeah, truly disgusting behavior. I’ve reported all of them to the council. We’ll see what happens.


shh dont tell them about the council


Have you reported him to *them*?


We keep a spare quarter taped to the backside of our nut sack just in case.


just incase we need to make an impromptu trip to Aldi


Aldi's nuts Edit: thank for award


Moon’s haunted


You’re not supposed to share actual secrets.


Augie really fucking dropped the ball this time


All in favor of revoking Augie's man card say aye!


AYE CAPTAIN, he's a scallywag and a coward to say the least




*grabs gun and loads it while getting back on spaceship* Moons haunted


Ready up guardian


Come along little light


Wouldn’t you like to know weather boy


where are your parents?


kid's sketchy


Back to you guys


You got to look out for feral children this time of the year


Yeah that was uncalled for, you’re supposed to respect your elders


Somebody writes for buzzfeed


I have my money on bored panda. Anyone can write for bored panda if they are stupid enough.


are they hiring? i have an IQ of at least 12


I'm sorry, you need 11 or lower. Better try again next year. Good luck!


I can't wait to see a buzzfeed article that quotes your reply as an actual argument


In addition to peeing standing up, we also poop standing up. Edit: for those trying to say, “and we wipe by […]” the real men spread their ass cheeks with their hands and pinch a loaf leaving no trace nor trail behind. Do with that information however you see fit.


We do? Damn this whole time I’ve been pooping while in a handstand.


well yeah its a handSTAND not a handsit


nice try lady


Bros before hoes amiright?


Nice try, other lady.


Hehe, balls


Very close! Almost had us fooled that time. There is however, no comma between hehe and balls. You gotta say it really fast. But also… Hehe balls


All of these tricksters bro Hoho bells


Nice trick another lady. Hoe hoe bells


Nice trick another lady. He he he ha balls


How big 6 inches really is


Today my coworker and I were comparing our heights, and even though we're only about three inches apart, our coworker was insisting that I was six inches taller than her. I told him that insisting that three inches was actually six was such a guy move, and then everyone was yelling for a while.


I can see it. "EYYOO!?" followed by a bunch of people climbing over their desks to get to you


I get this with other guys and height. I'm 184cm, so almost exactly 6ft. There have been a surprisingly large amount of times when someone has said something like "woah man im 6ft so you must be like 6'2, maybe 6'3??" I just nod along instead of debating it like I made a mistake. Especially if they are with a girlfriend or something lol.


I’m 6’2” (6 1 1/2, really) and I’ve met guys around 5’10” claiming to be 6’2”. If this happens I shrug and say “must have grown I guess”.


nice try, you won’t fool ME into admitting i like to pee sitting down edit: you know ive said a lot of dumb shit in my life i didnt think 4.7 thousand people would be dumb enough to agree with me on anything like that but thank you dudes. ima go take a seat pee now


Agreed. However, have you ever done that thing where your seat positioning and lean means equipment is in exactly the right spot to piss between the toilet seat and the toilet and it runs down and soaks your pants without you knowing….. yeah, me neither.


I did that once when I was a child. It's literally been a fear ever since, well into adulthood


That has never happened to me regularly at all


But it's just so much more comfortable, am I right?


It is.


I’ll shout it from the rooftops- I only stand to pee at urinals.


We have to get our foreskin trimmed every 2 weeks or it will seal closed and our bladder will burst.


Not totally true. My husband said trimming isn’t necessary if he has sex every night. ;-)


Well shit, I didn't want to tell EVERY secret. Tell your husband he's in trouble at the next Council Of Men. It's on the 28th and he better not be late this time!!!




This is why we don't talk about this secret! Don't tell your wives/gfs about it, I know it's about health but there's rules to this stuff.


The absolute worst is that awkward moment when you go to a new barber and ask for a rollback. Most of the time it’s courtesy to wait till the second or third visit but sometimes it’s been a long time and you’re in danger of sealing up, so you gotta hit him with it on the first go.


It's not just polite, it's good safety. If you're going to let a man take a pair of scissors to your dick, you better be sure he can cut straight. Trust me, you don't want a foreskin trimming mistake.


That sound doesn't mean I'm hungry, it means I have to fart.


This is the one. The amount of times my stomachs going off and my girlfriend goes “aw you’re hungry, we should eat” As I nod in agreement whilst putting all my thinking power into not letting it escape


The pro move isn't trying to hold it in -- it's subtly contorting yourself into a position where you can let it out gradually/silently.


"Ok. Ok, just a little bit... breaching the seal... begin venting in 3.. 2.. 1.." "BRRRRRRAAAAP!" "Fuck."


In 11th grade, every morning for a week straight, at like 10:30 am, American history class, I had that deep growling stomach pain while sitting at my desk. So I would slowly let one of those hot, feel-it-burning-your-asshole farts, out quietly and slowly. And it stunk something terribly. I did an academy-award winning job of looking completing innocent about it too like it wasn't me. But nobody seemed to notice so I thought maybe it wasn't really hitting anyone but me. At the end of the week a girl sitting next to me finally yelled out "who in the fuck keeps shitting themselves every day in this fucking class". I was convincingly just as puzzled and upset as she was.


as a woman, same.


That 99% of these comments are things that men *do* want women to know.


My bank pin


It’s Bosco isn’t it!


You’ll always return to your dark master…*the cocoa bean!*


It's hot when you can open up with a girl and she stays in your life.


Just had that recently. 20 years we've been together and we have been best friends all that time, and shared some tough times for her, but id still always put a brave face on how I was, until start of this year I couldn't cling on anymore and I just cried for two days. Wife is not only still here, we have unlocked another level. I don't want to think I should have done it earlier as my choices in the past made the life I love now, but I'm glad I did now, I'll say that.


I just got out of a relationship that started to rot since I’ve told her that I am feeling low after being manly for about 2 years. Even though it sucks some people walk out on you when you need them the most and it sucks that there are a lot of people who have been through this, your comment really made me feel less alone, thank you stranger on Reddit.


Ha, that actually happens. Finally opened up to my gf about some really serious stuff going on in my life, three weeks later, I’m single.


For me it was 2 days. 2 fucking days. Its hard dating now cuz I refuse to open up about shit. My problems are mine and hers of course are ours. But leave my feelings alone. I don't HAVE to share them.


That your words hurt.


I don’t remember what yesterday’s Wordle was but I remember Jane saying I was stupid, back in seventh grade.


Said she couldn’t stand my face…


No you misheard, she said “I can’t stand on your face” she clearly wanted to sit on it.


I'm a singer and today after a gig a lady came up to me and said in front me and my friends that she liked my music but I need to lose some weight and then carried on to make a joke about how big I am. I know I'm too big for a singer and I've actually been hitting the gym hard for the past 6 months but it still hurt so much and was really embarassing. The worst part is, as a man, the only justifiable way I feel like I can get this off my chest is by anonymously telling ramdom people on reddit. I'm not chasing for attention here. I'm just agreeing with this point that just because a lot of men don't outwardly express feelings it doesn't mean we don't have any and that words really do hurt.


Honestly you should have told her that was rude. Just be mature and polite about it.


next time, hit em with "you and me both brother!", if they get offended, they can might see how it feels


Spot on


We don’t mind being left home alone.


Not only we ‘don’t mind’, but sometimes (often) we prefer it.


Playing video games and watching movies all day and going to the pub in the evening is a 10/10 day.


It's a time of peace.


Having someone run their hands through your hair with your head on their lap is the best fucking thing


Cries bald tears


That as soon as you leave the room we fart, so DON’T COME BACK!


Please let us play games with the boys. It means a lot to us.


I know you guys piss the shit stains off the toilet. I have the high ground.


But you'll never experience the thrill of getting to be the one that pees the urinal puck in half.


Technically, *we have the high ground.*


Once I took a massive shit that wouldn’t flush and my brother managed to break it in half with his piss then flush it. Teamwork


Should have used your poop knife


No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.


Put some pressure on the area behind your balls after peeing. Gets rid of those pesky drops!


Instructions unclear, fingering my butthole right now.


Please don't touch my property




a compliment would literally make our whole month


Nice balls bro


That type of comment wont just make your whole month, it'll make your hole weak.


Touché flappy boobs, touché.


*Okay honest question here* I love giving people compliments. I give random girls I walk by compliments every single day. I also give compliments to guys I know won’t take it the wrong way. Is there some way to give guys compliments without them thinking that’s an invitation to hit on me? I always try to compliments things people can control about themselves like clothing, peoples personalities, or ideas/conversation already. I just don’t want to put myself in uncomfortable situations. When I give compliments I just say them and keep it pushing, so I’d assume everyone would know I’m just being nice but I just want to be safe.


No, most of us are so starved of compliments that we can't really tell them apart from flirting (it's kinda the only time when we usually get compliments). Then it'll boil down to one of two: - she's flirting, better hit on her - I don't know if that was flirting or not so I'll pretend it didn't happen but grin about it for a month when no one is looking That is why we're deprived of compliments and why you don't feel comfortable giving them out and it sucks


My goal is definitely to continue giving out compliments though. I don’t mind dealing with an awkward situation with one creep if I also got to make 10 regular guys happy with compliments. I’m just scared of starting an interaction with the intent to give someone a little something to brighten their day and they end up getting rejected instead, so I did the complete opposite. I’m trying to think of hints to throw in a guy compliment to remind them that it is just a friendly compliment, I guess?




This is kinda a societal problem like someone below mentioned.. most guys think a compliment is an invitation because they’ve only been complimented by women who were interested in them. Me personally, I prefer compliments from strangers. People who know you are ‘motivated’ to be nice to you.. I still think about the time I went to my favorite local coffee shop and I was dressed nicely for work and the barista stopped in her tracks when she saw me and told me how good I looked. I’m happily married, so there was no interest there but I enjoyed getting a compliment like that, knowing the effort I put into my appearance isn’t wasted. If I can give you any advice, when you find the right person even when you’ve been together for a decade still find ways to compliment their appearance. My secret sadness is while I know my wife loves me and we have a great relationship, I wish she would compliment me sometimes, especially as we get older.


you spelled decade wrong


You know when you hear us peeing and it sounds like we are turning it off and on? We are just moving the stream back and forth between full volume(center of water) and mute(porcelain just above water line).


Thank you, so much for this! I dated a guy for a few months and every single time he'd go to the bathroom it was this. It's been years since I've seen him and this has still bugged me from time to time! It feels like I just scratched a spot that's been itching for years!! Edit: OH the things I've learned and never wanted to know! Haha thanks, guys!


I have been able to start and stop my piss stream for as long as I can remember. It is possible he could do that. I heard it means something good regarding sex or health, but cannot remember what.


I find this feels very unpleasant to do. Like it can be done, but I hope I would never have to do it.


Apparently a lot of women can't either. When I was newly pregnant with my youngest I needed a "full" bladder for the ultrasound, but I drank too much water and absolutely couldn't hold it til my turn. I asked the receptionist if I could just pee a little so I didn't explode and she was shocked that I could only do a partial pee. XD




It could also be that the pee is at its end and the guy is simply "pushing out" the last bursts of piss before finally moving onto shaking off the last drops.


Our balls can tactically retract into our body Edit: come on guys why is it always that comments about balls get so much traction ffs


That's actually not supposed to happen past a certain age, at least you shouldnt be able to retract them fully into your body My son (who's 8 now) can, and the first time I took him to the doctor and she went to check his boys while he was standing up (he was around 5) they both shot up so fast into his body the doctor audibly laughed then apologized and told us she'd never seen that condition in person and it caught her off guard She then told me that the muscle that allows testicles to descend is supposed to "freeze" after they do, being a one use kind of thing, but that for some reason Sam's didnt and that as he (and they) grow that's theres a chance they can get stuck up there, or torsion could happen so we need to discourage him from doing it on purpose My child happens to be a damn nudist all the time, and the number of times I've had to say "son, put your balls back down" is something they do not prepare you for as a parent


Take the advice about torsion to heart, that shit is no joke


Wtf. I can't tell if this is trolling lol


When we [REDACTED] our [REDACTED], we don't always [REDACTED] all of our [REDACTED].


we actually know that you guys.. uhh... poop




we generally put on a brave face and act content even when we are sad and miserable inside.


This is why I'm such a comedian around my friends and classmates. I know that if I'm pissed off or down in the dumps, I can't do anything to cheer myself up, but I can do something to put a smile on somebody else's face. It makes my day seeing people smile because of my jokes.


You might be surprised (and dismayed) by how many professional comedians developed their trade for exactly this reason.


We got some sellouts here


wilful traitors all


have it writ upon thy meagre grave


There’s only one thing men like to do while lucid dreaming. Well maybe also flying


Ive lucid dreamt several times. They all involved snow skiing.


Mansplaining is short for "Man Explaining"


When you tell us you want us to be more open and vulnerable with you, mean it. Nothing hurts worse than being begged to open up, but the moment we do, you panic and shut down and tell us to man up. Men need to have partners who allow them to feel safe and not judged. It makes the world of difference to know we can be vulnerable and don’t always have to be strong.


If any partner EVER used the phrase "man up" on me, I doubt they'd still be my partner by the end of that day. Big no no.


Balls never stop moving. Look at your balls. They slowly move around.


I hate it when i get a random boner for no reason and then try to hide it. Most anxiety that I could ever experience


the awkward day in highschool when you've got it pinned under your belt and the young teacher's assistant bends over...


I had a friend who had to go on placement to a high school for her teaching degree. I asked her after the first week how many "random boners" she had seen. She said none. I saw her the next week. She was so annoyed with me. She couldn't believe how many she saw after I pointed it out.


When you start hitting puberty, the tip of your penis falls off and a new one grows wich helps with the growth of the penis


aaaah, the same we have with clitoris.


When they ask what we are thinking … it really is nothing 🤷🏼


The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. *Milk carton spills*


I'm thinking about things like why in Star Wars the bad guys use red light sabres but green lasers in their space ships, while it's the other way around for the good guys. But when they ask it's easier to just say: 'nothing' or 'thinking about how much I love you.'


I heard it’s because the kyber crystals in the lightsabers get corrupted by the dark side so turn red from whatever colour to red. The lasers are based on the quality of the weapon/gasses, green means more expensive so that’s why the empire uses green laser weapons but the rebels use red.


I rarely have something in my head im actively thinking about. Why is it so hard to believe? Im a spontaneous creature


So much this. My wife aleays asks me what I'm thinking. It's either nothing or something so outlandish and stupid that it isn't worth bringing up. Unless of course she wants to talk about the best strategy for surviving a zombie apocalypse.


Basically everyone has thought about the best strategy for surviving a zombie apocalypse though, that's not really outlandish or stupid and lots of people would want to talk about it.


We’ve all tried to reach.


Allegedly, it feels more like doing the thing than having the thing done to you.


That’s just guys trying to make it sound not good so we stop injuring our spines.


Eh when I lick my fingers it don’t feel like my finger is getting licked if feels like I’m licking my finger.


But when you finger your arse, do you feel like you're fingering your arse or arsing your finger?


Asking the real questions


We've all been told that Marilyn Manson removed his ribs so he could reach even better.


I still don't understand how in a time before readily available internet, that *fact* was pervasive on the schoolyard seemingly nationwide.


I'm Australian and it was common knowledge in schools here as well


German and same here


I'm from Norway, same here


A lot of us are really lonely and sad.


Sometimes we are as batshit scared as you, but years of suppressing that emotion help us appear brave in scary moments.


If you’re scared, but do the thing anyway, that’s real bravery


'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid? ' 'That is the only time a man can be brave.'


We enjoy being little spoon


I looooove being the big spoon


I wish I would be any spoon


I whish I'd be useful enough for any kitchen utensil...


Much of the cuddling in my marriage is based on me admitting this openly. Everything about my body position when trying to sleep is just much more comfortable as little spoon. Fortunately my wife is almost 6' tall and makes an awesome big spoon.


The first time I let a girl be the little spoon she was so excited and I was just like I want to get hugged from behind and not have hair in my face


That some of us are insecure as fuck over our physical appearance and we have lots of performance anxiety that we try to hide. We just want to please you, that's why we might be so nervous around you.


Some of you really are bad at blowjobs and we'll still tell you you're the best.


New insecurity unlocked.


Wanting to give blowjobs is the cheat code to automatically be good at blowjobs (unless you’re doing something really wrong like biting the dick)


instructions unclear, bit the balls


But if you don't tell us what to improve, that's not going to change :o


We don't know where we want to eat either, but when we say "anything, whatever, or I don't care" we really mean it.


Sometimes when we last longer than normal its cause we waxed the tater before the date. Its actually a compliment I promise




The key is to be fast the first time, but then the second time, there’s your time to shine.


That one compliment meant in sincerity will sustain us for days/weeks. This is due to men rarely ever getting them, they're so rare that they really have an impact when we get one. Go ahead ladies, ask a man in your life when the last time he got a compliment was, I bet most of them will have to think about it.


Im 19yo man, recently I was on a call with my 3 friends. The girls were drinking, and I wasn't. I was telling them some stories of mine because we had not an opportunity to talk like this in a while. This call started about 1AM and ended 7AM when we all fall asleep. Around 4AM one of them said "have you realized what time is it? We're already talking with [my name] for 3 hours" and then the girl I have a crush on said "Its because how nice he is and how fun talking with him is". It felt so damn good I think I'm not going to forget about this for years. Anyway, she's never talking about her feelings, she probably said it only because she was drunk. But still, when I'm coming through my low self-esteem problems I remind myself about what she said and I'm getting immediately better.


Booze might have made her say it out loud, but she thinks it fairly often I bet.


This. 100%. My biggest regret from your age is letting my low self esteem prevent me from taking risks and going after the things (and people) I truly wanted. Not suggesting you bear your heart and soul to your crush in an uncomfortable manner. But maybe throw some hints and feelers out there and see how she responds! And not let that pesky self esteem cloud your judgement.


I'm a guy, and I can tell you every detail of each of the 3 compliments I've received in the last 38 years.


Look at this guy showing off here.


The men who make the biggest show of supporting feminism are the biggest creeps and perverts.


Not too long ago I read on here that a dude and his mates only way to hang out together is that they all call in sick at their jobs and go hang at someone's house. Dude said he once told his wife about his plans for that day and he got called home for some "emergency" which was just her not wanting him to hang out with his friends. I've never been big on the "perfect family" picture and have no desire to start one (though I absolutely love my GF, who gives me loads of space) but the idea of having to lie to your wife in order to see your friends really botheres me. Anyway, I guess that secret should remaind secret!


Don’t betray the council brothers


This is just a test of loyalty brethren.


Men can't flex their dicks without clenching their buttholes and vice versa. Edit: because there seem to be a lot of show offs in the comments, let's get one thing straight. Its highly unlikely any male or female has the ability to do one without the other, because both functions, along with several other functions related to your bladder and bowel control, are controlled by your pelvic floor muscles. So any dude saying they can flex just their dick at the front is totally lying because a penis is technically not a flexible muscle and can only be "flexed" using certain pelvic floor muscles Now what could be true, is some people claiming they have specific control of individual pelvic floor muscles. I've already seen some guys say they can partially flex their dick without clenching if they go slowly and focus, but it's hard. I'm sure it's totally possible to gain absolute control over every individual pelvic floor muscles to achieve this, but I'm not about to sit here and publicize to the internet the amount of Kegels I've done to achieve such a feat. There you go redditors, I've done more pelvic research that I ever have in a sex ed class or even my life. Excuse me while I go scrub my brain of all the penis facts I had to ingest for this.


I just tried for verification purposes


I did and I'm a girl. Idk why.


Did it work as well?


Yes it was perfect. My mind is blown.


Would you describe it as an ascension of some sort?




We all did


You probably have a bunch of people sitting around doing kegels


We are emotional fucks putting up a vail of manliness, strong character and IDGF attitude because society expects that from us In reality we all deal with sadness and dark times in quiet


We actually admire other guys but don’t want to say it out loud because people might think we are gay.