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Granted. Every 5 minutes you nut.


Funerals are gonna be whack.




how tf people come up with such jokes effortlesslly?


What did he say :(


Listen, it's a good joke. It's a great joke even.


Some say it's the best joke.


We did it guys. We completed comedy.


I also choose this guy's dead wife. Or something like that, I suck at paraphrasing


no yeah spot on






I also choose this guy's dead wife


Delete this shit








Actual good monkeys paw for once


Monkeys Paw is about HOW the effect happens. This is r/AssholeGenie because it technically grants your wish, but only by magically doing something else. This response just says "you nut lol," it doesn't say how or why it happens. The fact that people see responses like this and say "finally, a good monkey's paw" hurts.


That's answer, at least as I am interpreting it, falls within what you just said. The desired effect (post nut clarity) is achieved as intended, granted by way of orgasm. The wish itself was granted exactly as intended, but the method by which it was granted (near constant orgasm) was not as intended.


This explains nothing about the method the wish is granted. This just says "lol you nut sometimes." How? Why? Have you even read the original monkey's paw story?


Yeah, I have. The original story explains nothing about the method the final wish is granted. It just says their son's corpse comes back to life. How? Why? Have you YOU even read the original monkey's paw story? Fucking bozo 🤡


damn dude, i was gonna continue this discussion, but you absolutely killed me with the "bozo 🤡". no way i can recover from that.


Redditors try not to escalate normal discussion into insult throwing battle challenge (impossible)


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Apparently you've never heard of persistent arousal disorder. https://youtu.be/RzwJdf6AlT4


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Granted, it's socially acceptable to beat it before talking to anyone or making any decisions. This leads to people just jerkin on the sidewalk, the food, the bar stools, ect


What’s the bad part


Imagine all the cum


What’s the bad part


Free protein


World hunger is solved


Why are people upvoting me


have you seen the price of protein? Of course people would love free protein!


Nah we’d be slurping it all off the street like Buddy the Elf eats gum


You aren't meant to already?


The smell 🤮


The smell 🥰


The duality of man


You like the smell so much that you giving shrek a blowjob?


imagine asking something important to your parents.


If this applies to all humans, then we will invent laws and ways to accomodate for this. I'm sure governments will start implementing special jacking off booths or communal public jacking off spaces that you can do your business before entering an establishment. Heck, maybe businesses will be given tax breaks if they install a jerk off room in their establishment. Much like how businesses now get tax breaks for having a handicap accessible bathroom.


I mean if it’s socially acceptable then what’s the issue?


The smell


I mean if it’s socially acceptable then what’s the issue?


i mean throwing shit out your window onto the streets used to be socially acceptable, but people realized it gets people sick. this is the same, except the streets are slippery instead


The nose does not care what is socially acceptable


The nose also doesn’t care about what it gets acclimated to


You clearly haven’t seen any reddit cum stories. They never got used to the smell


I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego.


I'm gonna go out jackin' it in Diego


I do that already


You never feel horny, you have zero sex drive. Granted.


Honestly sounds amazing ngl. I wish I was never horny


Huh. I never realized that some people might not like being horny. Hopefully I'm not prying too much but is there any specific reason for you dislike for it?


Makes me feel like shit after, wastes time, doesn’t even feel that good for me anymore, can be addicting. Those are all the reasons I can think of off the top of my head.


is there not an emotional benefit associated with intercourse for you? or do you just mean that being horny makes you masturbate which is unproductive


well the first part of that benefit is finding someone to have intercourse with. If you can't, getting horny just reminds you of your failure to do so.


as someone who was addicted, i found it emotionally draining partly because it felt like i didn’t really even have a choice in doing it, it left me feeling kind of pathetic and degenerate


Yeah the masturbation part


Porn addiction


Ah. Yeah that makes sense. Hopefully I'm not prying too much again, but may I ask how bad is it for you? I mean I watch a decent number of porn but I only watch it for the sole purpose of masturbation and I only do the deed max once a day and maybe 3-4 times a week which I think is considered normal and medically good for you.


Jerking it is fun and pleasurable, but being horny isn't.


Don't be fooled. It is the organization trying to convince you that humans aren't horny when that is their true nature


Damn it! It's always the organization!




alternatively, everyone is now ace. no more humans are ever born. we achieve ultimate knowledge, before going extinct


we won, but at what cost




What's the downside


The monkeys paw twitches and curls up, as it does, a sudden rush of warmth emanates across your whole body as you spontaneously ejaculate. After the sudden feeling of pleasure wears off your mind begins to clear and the reality of what you’ve done sets in. “What do you need to do in order to achieve post but clarity?… nut.” After this realization subsides you immediately feel the same warmth as just a few minutes prior, but it feels raw now, your nerve endings overstimulated from lack of rest. It hurts almost as much as it pleasures. As your mind races you cum again, and again, and again. You have small realizations and epiphanies about how screwed you are and that this is what constitutes post nut clarity. You writhe in pain and pleasure on the ground, unable to stop yourself; your balls are completely empty but you keep convulsing on the floor. Your vision begins to fade as you have one last realization, “this was a bad idea…” Granted




The sound of wagon wheels can be heard. Your hands are bound. "Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there."


*Use \[Mouse\] to look around.*


>You writhe in pain and pleasure on the ground, unable to stop yourself; Pinhead... Put the Monkey's Paw down...


The cum accelerates


Man's be a prune on the ground afterwards


but this isnt permanent post nut clarity because the post nut status is overwritten by the nut status.


Infinite cum. You sit on the toilet to jack off, but you begin to cum uncontrollably. After ten spurts you start to worry. Your hand is sticky and it reeks of semen. You desperately shove your dick into a wad of toilet paper, but that only makes your balls hurt. The cum accelerates. It’s been three minutes. You can’t stop cumming. Your bathroom floor is covered in a thin layer of baby fluid. You try to cum into the shower drain but it builds up too fast. You try the toilet. The cum is too thick to be flushed. You lock the bathroom door to prevent the cum from escaping. The air grows hot and humid from the cum. The cum accelerates. You slip and fall in your own sperm. The cum is now six inches deep, almost as long as your still-erect semen hose. Sprawled on your back, you begin to cum all over the ceiling. Globs of the sticky white fluid begin to fall like raindrops, giving you a facial with your own cum. The cum accelerates. You struggle to stand as the force of the cum begins to propel you backwards as if you were on a bukkake themed slip-and-slide. Still on your knees, the cum is now at chin height. To avoid drowning you open the bathroom door. The deluge of man juice reminds you of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, only with cum instead of molasses. The cum accelerates. It’s been two hours. Your children and wife scream in terror as their bodies are engulfed by the snow-white sludge. Your youngest child goes under, with viscous bubbles and muffled cries rising from the goop. You plead to God to end your suffering. The cum accelerates. You squeeze your dick to stop the cum, but it begins to leak out of your asshole instead. You let go. The force of the cum tears your urethra open, leaving only a gaping hole in your crotch that spews semen. Your body picks up speed as it slides backwards along the cum. You smash through the wall, hurtling into the sky at thirty miles an hour. From a bird’s eye view you see your house is completely white. Your neighbor calls the cops. The cum accelerates. As you continue to ascend, you spot police cars racing towards your house. The cops pull out their guns and take aim, but stray loads of cum hit them in the eyes, blinding them. The cum accelerates. You are now at an altitude of 1000 feet. The SWAT team arrives. Military helicopters circle you. Hundreds of bullets pierce your body at once, yet you stay conscious. Your testicles have now grown into a substitute brain. The cum accelerates. It has been two days. With your body now destroyed, the cum begins to spray in all directions. You break the sound barrier. The government deploys fighter jets to chase you down, but the impact of your cum sends one plane crashing to the ground. The government decides to let you leave the earth. You feel your gonads start to burn up as you reach the edges of the atmosphere. You narrowly miss the ISS, giving it a new white paint job as you fly past. Physicists struggle to calculate your erratic trajectory. The cum accelerates. The cum begins to gravitate towards itself, forming a comet trail of semen. Astronomers begin calling you the “Cummet.” You are stuck in space forever, stripped of your body and senses, forced to endure an eternity of cumshots. Eventually, you stop thinking.




I knew this copypasta would be in here somewhere after reading one of the replies thinking it was this


Granted. In two years, humanity has excelled in all science there is to learn, at the cost of the normalization of suicide, depression and self-hating. In the end of those two years, in January of the third year, humanity finally discovers the meaning of life. It is terrible. Upon the discovery of this truth all world leaders agree that humanity should wipe itself from existence. And so we do.


Nice one! Getting Cosmic horror vibes


Granted, something causes theast generation of humanity to lack the ability to reproduce. Once that generation dies out, humanity will be extinct. On the bright side, since nobody has the ability to reproduce, nobody gets horny, and has that clarity all the time.


So literally no downside


TIL: the root cause of every single one of our problems is us being horny


Granted. Since post-nut clarity is permanent in everyone, domestic and international scenes of politics collapse. Everyone is either a philosopher or depressed. Unable to establish order, every country collapses. Congrats, you just made the whole world anarchist.


I mean, the clarity will help rebuild a new country


Sounds like a win to me




Granted, as all men have their minds permamently enlightened, they begin establishing the best goverment to exist. There is no more Hunger and there are no wars. Its all Perfect, a world filled with enlightenment and knowledge. Most women seem to love the new era of mankind as well but soon a question arises. "How do we reproduce? How do we keep our race going?" Fearing what is to come more and more women become worried and stressed while men dont seem to care much, It is soon discovered that the world wide post nut clarity Has been caused by a virus of sorts. Bunch of female scientists try to find a cure to the virus but out in the public, there is a mutual distrust as disapearences of men occur more and more often. IT Turns out they because of the virus the muscles of men infected have also been forcefully relaxed, taking some of their strenght Which made them an easy target to Any person without good intentions. Soon a civil war sparks out just as the Cure Has been invented, two factions fight over the Cure. The women who want men to go back to their previous state. And women who wish for human race to find another way to reproduce, without killing the virus. Deaths are counted in millions, thousands of men either get kidnapped by the Cure faction or get forcefully surveiled by the anti-cure women in order to protect the men. The bloody war keeps on going until a mysterious Black monument of massive proportions appears in the air. Its an alien invasion, the aliens have weakened earth's defenses and caused millions to Die in a global civil war that only spanned a few weeks. Now under their new masters, humanity will never return to its former state, doomed to be slaves.


Bravo! Awesome alternative


Very creative


Granted. Everyone on Earth is cursed with the sexual stamina of [The Lonely Island](https://youtu.be/VLnWf1sQkjY). If you so much as think a sexy thought, you immediately jizz (or squirt). Thus, constant post-nut clarity. Also constant car crashes, plane crashes, botched surgeries, generally everything goes wrong all the time now that people are constantly nutting (and losing focus as a result).


Imagine everyone getting dehydrated and malnourished


Plot twist this is the dawn of Brawndo it's got electrolytes and it's what plants crave


Granted. Nobody ever feels horny because they're constantly post-nut, nobody ever has sex again and the human species dies out.


The zan this would create. Granted!!


Granted. Humanity has been rendered impotent and shall die out in a few decades, because of your wish.




So... Apparently if you get off of the chemical mess the dopamine in your brain gets for 1 month for older folks or 3 for younger, one can find symptoms similar to ADHD fading


Granted, you are now alone with your thoughts


granted, everyone is now in a constant state of 'just nutted' meaning nobody can ever actually nut again. Humanity goes extinct.


Everyone is feeling lazy as fuck


The suicide rate increases exponentially, killing 4/5 of the entire human population, granted


Granted. Incidentally, a certain *The Lonely Island* song becomes the new National Anthem.


Granted. All reproductive organs no longer function as nobody can nut. The human race will die out.


Granted. The only way to keep sane and not have post nut clarity for an hour is to cut off a finger. Only 10 times in your life you can feel free.


Granted. The entire population is turned female as post nut clarity is the equivalent of the clarity women always have.


Sounds like someone hasnt expierenced post nut clarity.


Good one 😐


arrgh! The female supremacy is strong in this one!


Not to answer your wish. I would like to point out that experiencing euphoria all the time would just make it boring after a while and we'd all eventually start looking for higher and more extreme ways to achieve the same "high" or euphoria. Kind of like a drug addict looking for that same high. How I would like to equate it is that if you were to eat your favourite food every meal of everyday. It wouldn't be your favourite meal for long. You gotta savour it. In order to do that, you should only have it every now and then. Make it a special treat. It's what makes it great in the first place.


You guys get euphoria? I just want that few seconds of mental tranquility but forever


I obviously can't speak for everyone but after I nut, for me at least, I have a sense of euphoria for at least a few minutes, then followed by post-nut clarity where I feel relaxed and tranquil. Perhaps I misread it because for me, in a sense post nut clarity for me is a small prolonged feeling of euphoria THEN followed by post nut clarity. I guess for some (or most), it's not followed by euphoria and is just followed by post nut clarity.


I don’t know, maybe I have an issue.


I do tend to see a lot of comments or memes on reddit where people say they feel depressed or sad after masturbating and honestly I just don't understand that AT ALL. Like it's a concept that I just can't wrap my head around. I understand that some are feeling that way, but for me it's an impossibility. I always feel good afterwards. Perhaps I'm a rare bread, or perhaps most people have an issue. Or maybe I'M the one with the issue. Really what is normal anyways? Societal definitions of "normal" are bullshit anyways. You do you my friend.


What kind of rare bread? Wheat? And same to you.


Everyone is depressed


In contrast to your imagination, everyone realizes humanity is not worth saving and commits hara-kiri resulting in the total annihilation of mankind in a matter of minutes.


Granted. You were never born.


Granted. While everyone has the same sex drive as usual, every time they nut they gain clarity. More philosophers and geniuses sprout up, and more come into power. However, ideas clash, minds argue, and war springs up. Already countries are torn in civil war over ideologies and beliefs varying only slightly, for as knowledge grew, so did ego.


Granted. The stock market collapses as risky speculative trading slows to a trickle. The resulting bubble collapse echos the Great Depression era.


Granted. You never get laid again.


Everyone will nut non stop from now on And humanity will be extinct because the constant cumming causes the body to waste energy faster than it can regain it


Hell yea


Granted: everyone is constantly dehydrated and exhausted from the constant orgasming this requires. No-one can even eat or sleep, let alone make policies or write epics. Everyone lives with the constant knowledge of all the universe while being in such immense pain that they can do nothing about it.


Granted. Most people already have it. It's called depression.