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Dak-Legacy

Granted. Every 5 minutes you nut.


Dasnap

Funerals are gonna be whack.


[deleted]

[удалено]


karnal_chikara

how tf people come up with such jokes effortlesslly?


magicdog2013

What did he say :(


nyzzaklaire

Listen, it's a good joke. It's a great joke even.


EhSolly

Some say it's the best joke.


LukeDude759

We did it guys. We completed comedy.


qtanon1

I also choose this guy's dead wife. Or something like that, I suck at paraphrasing


SomePerson1248

no yeah spot on


kuronekonova

Necrophilia


WindterrorBW8

😳


brrduck

I also choose this guy's dead wife


iamdabrick

Delete this shit


KassXWolfXTigerXFox

YOU FUCKING DIDNY


-TheGuest-

Hot


nanocactus

JIZZ. IN. MY PANTS!


Spiraljaguar1231

Actual good monkeys paw for once


Dakotertots

Monkeys Paw is about HOW the effect happens. This is r/AssholeGenie because it technically grants your wish, but only by magically doing something else. This response just says "you nut lol," it doesn't say how or why it happens. The fact that people see responses like this and say "finally, a good monkey's paw" hurts.


Spiraljaguar1231

That's answer, at least as I am interpreting it, falls within what you just said. The desired effect (post nut clarity) is achieved as intended, granted by way of orgasm. The wish itself was granted exactly as intended, but the method by which it was granted (near constant orgasm) was not as intended.


Dakotertots

This explains nothing about the method the wish is granted. This just says "lol you nut sometimes." How? Why? Have you even read the original monkey's paw story?


Spiraljaguar1231

Yeah, I have. The original story explains nothing about the method the final wish is granted. It just says their son's corpse comes back to life. How? Why? Have you YOU even read the original monkey's paw story? Fucking bozo 🤡


Dakotertots

damn dude, i was gonna continue this discussion, but you absolutely killed me with the "bozo 🤡". no way i can recover from that.


Conquertron

Redditors try not to escalate normal discussion into insult throwing battle challenge (impossible)


sneakpeekbot

Here's a sneak peek of /r/AssholeGenie using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/AssholeGenie/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [I wish to be able to slow down time to the point where it looks like I stopped time, but still have time flow fast enough for light to travel into my eyes (basically like Za Warudo).](https://np.reddit.com/r/AssholeGenie/comments/kpk8d5/i_wish_to_be_able_to_slow_down_time_to_the_point/) \#2: [i wish the asshole genie was trapped in a Bethesda game and only him not me not anyone just him no loopholes](https://np.reddit.com/r/AssholeGenie/comments/okhd2z/i_wish_the_asshole_genie_was_trapped_in_a/) \#3: [**[NSFW]** I wish to be gender bent](https://np.reddit.com/r/AssholeGenie/comments/nsp6xf/i_wish_to_be_gender_bent/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[Source](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)


TheDunadan29

Apparently you've never heard of persistent arousal disorder. https://youtu.be/RzwJdf6AlT4


Rupi57

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plagueboi221

Granted, it's socially acceptable to beat it before talking to anyone or making any decisions. This leads to people just jerkin on the sidewalk, the food, the bar stools, ect


Aperson20

What’s the bad part


HeyRobin_

Imagine all the cum


hepizzy

What’s the bad part


KlutzySole9-1

Free protein


poor20blaze

World hunger is solved


KlutzySole9-1

Why are people upvoting me


AssholeRemark

have you seen the price of protein? Of course people would love free protein!


newyearnewcakeday

Nah we’d be slurping it all off the street like Buddy the Elf eats gum


KassXWolfXTigerXFox

You aren't meant to already?


LucasStrongheim1

The smell 🤮


yaboiscoobs

The smell 🥰


Jossuboi

The duality of man


darkzap_tts

You like the smell so much that you giving shrek a blowjob?


TyrantRC

imagine asking something important to your parents.


SurealGod

If this applies to all humans, then we will invent laws and ways to accomodate for this. I'm sure governments will start implementing special jacking off booths or communal public jacking off spaces that you can do your business before entering an establishment. Heck, maybe businesses will be given tax breaks if they install a jerk off room in their establishment. Much like how businesses now get tax breaks for having a handicap accessible bathroom.


CrustaceanCreation

I mean if it’s socially acceptable then what’s the issue?


13redstone31

The smell


galactixo

I mean if it’s socially acceptable then what’s the issue?


SP-Igloo

i mean throwing shit out your window onto the streets used to be socially acceptable, but people realized it gets people sick. this is the same, except the streets are slippery instead


13redstone31

The nose does not care what is socially acceptable


TetrisTech

The nose also doesn’t care about what it gets acclimated to


13redstone31

You clearly haven’t seen any reddit cum stories. They never got used to the smell


SuitsandPsyches

I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego.


WindterrorBW8

I'm gonna go out jackin' it in Diego


Milesthedisneymeme

I do that already


jethrosang

You never feel horny, you have zero sex drive. Granted.


77Gladiator77

Honestly sounds amazing ngl. I wish I was never horny


SurealGod

Huh. I never realized that some people might not like being horny. Hopefully I'm not prying too much but is there any specific reason for you dislike for it?


77Gladiator77

Makes me feel like shit after, wastes time, doesn’t even feel that good for me anymore, can be addicting. Those are all the reasons I can think of off the top of my head.


eminemondrugs

is there not an emotional benefit associated with intercourse for you? or do you just mean that being horny makes you masturbate which is unproductive


AssholeRemark

well the first part of that benefit is finding someone to have intercourse with. If you can't, getting horny just reminds you of your failure to do so.


ptrs09

as someone who was addicted, i found it emotionally draining partly because it felt like i didn’t really even have a choice in doing it, it left me feeling kind of pathetic and degenerate


77Gladiator77

Yeah the masturbation part


CandidFriend

Porn addiction


SurealGod

Ah. Yeah that makes sense. Hopefully I'm not prying too much again, but may I ask how bad is it for you? I mean I watch a decent number of porn but I only watch it for the sole purpose of masturbation and I only do the deed max once a day and maybe 3-4 times a week which I think is considered normal and medically good for you.


Streptember

Jerking it is fun and pleasurable, but being horny isn't.


DaRagingUnicorn

Don't be fooled. It is the organization trying to convince you that humans aren't horny when that is their true nature


SurealGod

Damn it! It's always the organization!


Lemak0

Hot


Bauerdog2015

alternatively, everyone is now ace. no more humans are ever born. we achieve ultimate knowledge, before going extinct


SomePerson1248

we won, but at what cost


kilerppk

Everything


VreyIsGrey

What's the downside


Gatt__

The monkeys paw twitches and curls up, as it does, a sudden rush of warmth emanates across your whole body as you spontaneously ejaculate. After the sudden feeling of pleasure wears off your mind begins to clear and the reality of what you’ve done sets in. “What do you need to do in order to achieve post but clarity?… nut.” After this realization subsides you immediately feel the same warmth as just a few minutes prior, but it feels raw now, your nerve endings overstimulated from lack of rest. It hurts almost as much as it pleasures. As your mind races you cum again, and again, and again. You have small realizations and epiphanies about how screwed you are and that this is what constitutes post nut clarity. You writhe in pain and pleasure on the ground, unable to stop yourself; your balls are completely empty but you keep convulsing on the floor. Your vision begins to fade as you have one last realization, “this was a bad idea…” Granted


Quavkpocalypse0

hot


Saibher

The sound of wagon wheels can be heard. Your hands are bound. "Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there."


Zadder

*Use \[Mouse\] to look around.*


Admirable_Sun_8774

>You writhe in pain and pleasure on the ground, unable to stop yourself; Pinhead... Put the Monkey's Paw down...


ItsVincent27

The cum accelerates


Pybrother

Man's be a prune on the ground afterwards


hussiesucks

but this isnt permanent post nut clarity because the post nut status is overwritten by the nut status.


PM_ME_UR_SEXY_SHORTS

Infinite cum. You sit on the toilet to jack off, but you begin to cum uncontrollably. After ten spurts you start to worry. Your hand is sticky and it reeks of semen. You desperately shove your dick into a wad of toilet paper, but that only makes your balls hurt. The cum accelerates. It’s been three minutes. You can’t stop cumming. Your bathroom floor is covered in a thin layer of baby fluid. You try to cum into the shower drain but it builds up too fast. You try the toilet. The cum is too thick to be flushed. You lock the bathroom door to prevent the cum from escaping. The air grows hot and humid from the cum. The cum accelerates. You slip and fall in your own sperm. The cum is now six inches deep, almost as long as your still-erect semen hose. Sprawled on your back, you begin to cum all over the ceiling. Globs of the sticky white fluid begin to fall like raindrops, giving you a facial with your own cum. The cum accelerates. You struggle to stand as the force of the cum begins to propel you backwards as if you were on a bukkake themed slip-and-slide. Still on your knees, the cum is now at chin height. To avoid drowning you open the bathroom door. The deluge of man juice reminds you of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, only with cum instead of molasses. The cum accelerates. It’s been two hours. Your children and wife scream in terror as their bodies are engulfed by the snow-white sludge. Your youngest child goes under, with viscous bubbles and muffled cries rising from the goop. You plead to God to end your suffering. The cum accelerates. You squeeze your dick to stop the cum, but it begins to leak out of your asshole instead. You let go. The force of the cum tears your urethra open, leaving only a gaping hole in your crotch that spews semen. Your body picks up speed as it slides backwards along the cum. You smash through the wall, hurtling into the sky at thirty miles an hour. From a bird’s eye view you see your house is completely white. Your neighbor calls the cops. The cum accelerates. As you continue to ascend, you spot police cars racing towards your house. The cops pull out their guns and take aim, but stray loads of cum hit them in the eyes, blinding them. The cum accelerates. You are now at an altitude of 1000 feet. The SWAT team arrives. Military helicopters circle you. Hundreds of bullets pierce your body at once, yet you stay conscious. Your testicles have now grown into a substitute brain. The cum accelerates. It has been two days. With your body now destroyed, the cum begins to spray in all directions. You break the sound barrier. The government deploys fighter jets to chase you down, but the impact of your cum sends one plane crashing to the ground. The government decides to let you leave the earth. You feel your gonads start to burn up as you reach the edges of the atmosphere. You narrowly miss the ISS, giving it a new white paint job as you fly past. Physicists struggle to calculate your erratic trajectory. The cum accelerates. The cum begins to gravitate towards itself, forming a comet trail of semen. Astronomers begin calling you the “Cummet.” You are stuck in space forever, stripped of your body and senses, forced to endure an eternity of cumshots. Eventually, you stop thinking.


AwesomeBeing

Beautiful.


Winhell98

I knew this copypasta would be in here somewhere after reading one of the replies thinking it was this


Tijolo_Malvado

Granted. In two years, humanity has excelled in all science there is to learn, at the cost of the normalization of suicide, depression and self-hating. In the end of those two years, in January of the third year, humanity finally discovers the meaning of life. It is terrible. Upon the discovery of this truth all world leaders agree that humanity should wipe itself from existence. And so we do.


BartekRandomLad

Nice one! Getting Cosmic horror vibes


[deleted]

Granted, something causes theast generation of humanity to lack the ability to reproduce. Once that generation dies out, humanity will be extinct. On the bright side, since nobody has the ability to reproduce, nobody gets horny, and has that clarity all the time.


AgusNC

So literally no downside


WrenchFriessAlt

TIL: the root cause of every single one of our problems is us being horny


an-ordinary-manchild

Granted. Since post-nut clarity is permanent in everyone, domestic and international scenes of politics collapse. Everyone is either a philosopher or depressed. Unable to establish order, every country collapses. Congrats, you just made the whole world anarchist.


Program-Continuum

I mean, the clarity will help rebuild a new country


stimulatn

Sounds like a win to me


miner_sd

Based


BartekRandomLad

Granted, as all men have their minds permamently enlightened, they begin establishing the best goverment to exist. There is no more Hunger and there are no wars. Its all Perfect, a world filled with enlightenment and knowledge. Most women seem to love the new era of mankind as well but soon a question arises. "How do we reproduce? How do we keep our race going?" Fearing what is to come more and more women become worried and stressed while men dont seem to care much, It is soon discovered that the world wide post nut clarity Has been caused by a virus of sorts. Bunch of female scientists try to find a cure to the virus but out in the public, there is a mutual distrust as disapearences of men occur more and more often. IT Turns out they because of the virus the muscles of men infected have also been forcefully relaxed, taking some of their strenght Which made them an easy target to Any person without good intentions. Soon a civil war sparks out just as the Cure Has been invented, two factions fight over the Cure. The women who want men to go back to their previous state. And women who wish for human race to find another way to reproduce, without killing the virus. Deaths are counted in millions, thousands of men either get kidnapped by the Cure faction or get forcefully surveiled by the anti-cure women in order to protect the men. The bloody war keeps on going until a mysterious Black monument of massive proportions appears in the air. Its an alien invasion, the aliens have weakened earth's defenses and caused millions to Die in a global civil war that only spanned a few weeks. Now under their new masters, humanity will never return to its former state, doomed to be slaves.


Tijolo_Malvado

Bravo! Awesome alternative


HarleeWrites

Very creative


StardustWhip

Granted. Everyone on Earth is cursed with the sexual stamina of [The Lonely Island](https://youtu.be/VLnWf1sQkjY). If you so much as think a sexy thought, you immediately jizz (or squirt). Thus, constant post-nut clarity. Also constant car crashes, plane crashes, botched surgeries, generally everything goes wrong all the time now that people are constantly nutting (and losing focus as a result).


Tijolo_Malvado

Imagine everyone getting dehydrated and malnourished


NoAdmittanceX

Plot twist this is the dawn of Brawndo it's got electrolytes and it's what plants crave


Gensi_Alaria

Granted. Nobody ever feels horny because they're constantly post-nut, nobody ever has sex again and the human species dies out.


thatoneguy172

The zan this would create. Granted!!


A_M_K12

Granted. Humanity has been rendered impotent and shall die out in a few decades, because of your wish.


justurguy

Good


MasterSword1

So... Apparently if you get off of the chemical mess the dopamine in your brain gets for 1 month for older folks or 3 for younger, one can find symptoms similar to ADHD fading


wakslep

Granted, you are now alone with your thoughts


Otrada

granted, everyone is now in a constant state of 'just nutted' meaning nobody can ever actually nut again. Humanity goes extinct.


Tijolo_Malvado

Everyone is feeling lazy as fuck


antongiulioquellov

The suicide rate increases exponentially, killing 4/5 of the entire human population, granted


mister_newbie

Granted. Incidentally, a certain *The Lonely Island* song becomes the new National Anthem.


LordIronSpine

Granted. All reproductive organs no longer function as nobody can nut. The human race will die out.


R3vo_CZ

Granted. The only way to keep sane and not have post nut clarity for an hour is to cut off a finger. Only 10 times in your life you can feel free.


Lastaria

Granted. The entire population is turned female as post nut clarity is the equivalent of the clarity women always have.


MAH313

Sounds like someone hasnt expierenced post nut clarity.


Lemak0

Good one 😐


Tijolo_Malvado

arrgh! The female supremacy is strong in this one!


SurealGod

Not to answer your wish. I would like to point out that experiencing euphoria all the time would just make it boring after a while and we'd all eventually start looking for higher and more extreme ways to achieve the same "high" or euphoria. Kind of like a drug addict looking for that same high. How I would like to equate it is that if you were to eat your favourite food every meal of everyday. It wouldn't be your favourite meal for long. You gotta savour it. In order to do that, you should only have it every now and then. Make it a special treat. It's what makes it great in the first place.


HarleeWrites

You guys get euphoria? I just want that few seconds of mental tranquility but forever


SurealGod

I obviously can't speak for everyone but after I nut, for me at least, I have a sense of euphoria for at least a few minutes, then followed by post-nut clarity where I feel relaxed and tranquil. Perhaps I misread it because for me, in a sense post nut clarity for me is a small prolonged feeling of euphoria THEN followed by post nut clarity. I guess for some (or most), it's not followed by euphoria and is just followed by post nut clarity.


HarleeWrites

I don’t know, maybe I have an issue.


SurealGod

I do tend to see a lot of comments or memes on reddit where people say they feel depressed or sad after masturbating and honestly I just don't understand that AT ALL. Like it's a concept that I just can't wrap my head around. I understand that some are feeling that way, but for me it's an impossibility. I always feel good afterwards. Perhaps I'm a rare bread, or perhaps most people have an issue. Or maybe I'M the one with the issue. Really what is normal anyways? Societal definitions of "normal" are bullshit anyways. You do you my friend.


HarleeWrites

What kind of rare bread? Wheat? And same to you.


Farcry_Wanderer44

Everyone is depressed


demair21

In contrast to your imagination, everyone realizes humanity is not worth saving and commits hara-kiri resulting in the total annihilation of mankind in a matter of minutes.


shrekoncrakk

Granted. You were never born.


Icy_Wildcat

Granted. While everyone has the same sex drive as usual, every time they nut they gain clarity. More philosophers and geniuses sprout up, and more come into power. However, ideas clash, minds argue, and war springs up. Already countries are torn in civil war over ideologies and beliefs varying only slightly, for as knowledge grew, so did ego.


ARealHoss

Granted. The stock market collapses as risky speculative trading slows to a trickle. The resulting bubble collapse echos the Great Depression era.


whytakemyusername

Granted. You never get laid again.


superbay50

Everyone will nut non stop from now on And humanity will be extinct because the constant cumming causes the body to waste energy faster than it can regain it


HarleeWrites

Hell yea


KassXWolfXTigerXFox

Granted: everyone is constantly dehydrated and exhausted from the constant orgasming this requires. No-one can even eat or sleep, let alone make policies or write epics. Everyone lives with the constant knowledge of all the universe while being in such immense pain that they can do nothing about it.


HeinrichderGeile

Granted. Most people already have it. It's called depression.